Muse

Many men don't recognize mental health challenges until they've already taken a toll because struggle doesn't always look like struggle. Pressures show up in everyday places, at work, home, relationships. Those pressures build slowly, often without being noticed. In season three of The Visibility Gap, Dr. Guy Winch and his guests explore how to spot these pressures earlier and what it takes for men not to just open up, but to get the support they need. This is important stuff. Listen to the new season of The Visibility Gap presented by Cigna Healthcare. Ever invest in something that seemed incredible at first but didn't live up to the hype?

Yeah, like all the time.

Yeah, I did that with an all potato restaurant.

Oh no.

Marketers know that feeling. They optimize for the numbers that look great, like impressions, but then they don't see revenue. You know what I'm talking about, don't you, Sarah?

Oh, yeah, all the time.

Yeah, LinkedIn has a word for that, bullspend.

Bullspend.

Yeah, instead you can get the highest ROAS of major ad networks with LinkedIn ads. Cut the bullspend. Advertise on LinkedIn. Spend $250 and get a $250 credit. Go to linkedin.com slash Conan. Terms apply.

Hi, my name is Zach Galifianakis, and I feel... Zach Galifianakis is about being Coden O'Brien's friend. I have to say, I feel up, Zach Galifianakis. You don't seem up.

Folly's here, hear the yell, back to school, ring the bell, brand new shoes, walkin' loose, climb the fence, books and pens, I can tell that we are gonna be friends. Yes, I can tell that we are going to be friends

Good to see you. You too. Sonia, you asked me to do a lot of favors, and I want to talk about this. What? Yeah, you do. You asked me to do a lot of favors. It's, can you do this for me? Can you do that for me? You know, it's Armenian this week, and it's Armenian that week. Can you do a thing for me? And sometimes I want you to know that it's a little much. You take advantage. Can you do a blurb for my book? Can you also write an intro, then an outro? I mean, what's going on? Do you see me and just see a doormat? Is that what you see? Oh, my God. What if I get you a doormat, and instead of saying welcome, it's just my face, because you walk all over it all the time anyway.

That's so unfair. I'm so mad. I hate asking you for favors.

I know. Well, you don't hate it that much. I'm sorry. How could you hate it that much?

Why are you cackling so hard about it? You're like a bird saying, I hate building a mess. How many times do I tell you Conan agreed to do something for me?

Hey, guess what? I'm an owl saying, I hate hooting.

Hoo, hoo. Hoo, hoo. Hoo, hoo. I sure hate it. Hoo, hoo. Hoo, hoo.

23 hours later. Hoo, hoo. I sure hate it. Hoo, hoo. Oh, my God. I mean, that's my impression. If you were an owl and asking a favor was hooting, you'd be hooting a lot.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's good. It's good for you to explain it. I hate asking you for favors. There are so many things people ask me to ask you that I specifically say hate.

You filter stuff out? Yeah. How could there be more?

What are you talking about? Do you know how much stuff, first of all, it's your fault because you made me, you put me on this podcast. People know who I am now. I'm attached to you for the rest of your life until you die. And so-

Please, that's not for months.

Oh, come on. But it's, it comes with, I'm sorry. You did it. It's it's your it's you. It's your fault.

Your speech champion.

Oh, come on.

Listen, come on. I listen. I don't begrudge you anything.

And I do.

Of course I do.

I just made it the whole front of the show. It's a lot. And David, do I do a lot of favors for people? You do a lot of favors for everybody, not just Sona.

Yeah.

What the fuck, David? I don't ask for that many favors.

You do favors for everyone. You do favors. Raise your hand if Conan's ever done a favor for you.

The only, I actually never asked for favors.

When your Aquaman figurine got stolen from your apartment, you asked me to put up posters and I did. I never asked. Then when your Iron Man got stolen, I put up posters for that. That's right. He offered. Then when you're several hundred of your.

other figurines were stolen you asked me to call the police for you and i did that's right it was very nice i'll just say i never ask for favors but i know that you would help me out the only favor i've ever asked you for is when you were in my short film and you did it and it was so don't say i you never asked me yeah but that was but in 25 years i've asked you for one thing can i ask you a question to be in a movie you made that's a big favor when you i'm just saying you can't start by saying i never ask for favors except for that one time when you did me a huge favor i'm trying to help you in your argument with sona why are you attacking me because when i see you i to see red yeah you're like a i'm a i'm a bull and you're a giant red blankie that's flopping around in the wind you do a lot of favors for everybody and very i don't know that you've ever asked any of us for a favor you know baskin robbins i famously i think had 38 flavors i think

i do more than 38 favors a day that's our whole job our whole job was doing stuff for you that's

our whole job you get paid for that i know i got you your lunch today i ordered you a leave Can we talk about that?

Yeah.

Hey, if people know out there that I occasionally take Aleve. I don't know what you like to keep secret. No, that's a secret.

I think we've all...

No one must know of my Aleve. You know, that's why I always, when I throw out my Aleve bottles, I always try to throw them out in someone else's trash can because no one can know that I occasionally have some muscle stiffness.

I don't have time for this bit. I'm angry right now. I'm so mad right now.

Are you really mad?

Are you done with the Aleve thing right now? because I want to address this accusation you told.

I'll leave it for now. Home run. Okay, wait a minute. There's too much to unpack here, as the kids say these days. I hate that saying, but my wife uses it all the time. And sometimes she says it while we're unpacking on the trip. And then I think, okay, whatever. Anyway, let's revisit this later on in the show and get to our next guest.

Okay.

My guest today is a very funny actor and comedian who starred in the Hangover movies. Now you can see him in the new AMC series, The Audacity, and he has a new gardening show called This Is A Gardening Show. How does he come up with these names? He's truly one of the funniest people I know. Zach Galifianakis, welcome. When I walk into a room I'm used to people, I mean, even pretty big stars, are like, whoa, it's him, you know? and then I walked in today and you your heart beats like one beat every two hours you were just sitting there totally unimpressed that Conan O'Brien had walked into the room what would you like one to do when you enter the room no it seems insincere whoa look at that guy what up brah so good to see you hey brah ha ha ha dude yes that's the real me well I mean we go way back I've known you for many years in a showbiz way Early, early days. You used to come on my show and you were always hilarious. And don't look at your watch. Oh, Jesus. What the fuck was that? Time is moving slow. That's so rude. We can cut this short. I was trying to compliment him about how funny he was. And this is before America had Zach Galifianakis fever. This is back when they had Conan fever. And I lent some of my fever to Zach Galifianakis. And then America had the very contagious Zach Galifianakis fever. Yeah, I like to call it sizzle. I still have a sizzle. You sizzled and sazzled all the way to the late 90s, 2000s. Did you guys get my sizzle reel? I sent it over. We got your sazzle reel. It's past tense. The past tense of sizzle. You sazzled back in the day. I used to sazzle. In the early 2000s, no one sazzled like you. You're not going to like this, but I adore you. I think you're a wonderful fellow. One of my favorite comedy pieces of work is your work on Between Two Ferns. I think it's absolutely hysterical. Thank you. And endures. And I resent you for that. Why are you resentful? It does seem, I know you joke about it, but I do think there's a tinge. Oh, it's all real. Yeah, I do think there is a- I resent you terribly because you are very funny and you are, but also- Is it my height? Is that what you wish you were more like me about? I do. I wish I was closer to the size of my head. Is that what you wish you had? Parking meter head, parking meter body, whatever this is. You get that upset about people try and put time in your head so that they can keep their car there a little longer. So I wish you had a seven syllable last name. I do. No, you are very funny. You're one of the funniest people I know. And yet you seem grounded. And I don't know how to do that. I mean, this guy, he is of the

earth. He seems like he's got it all together. He seems like he emotionally wants for nothing. That doesn't seem fair. I mean, yeah, I get some chops.

But I'm constantly wracked with these roiling seas inside me.

Does every podcast turn into like a one-man show? I know! Like, the light should shift.

We don't need you to talk during this part. In fact, you don't have to be here for this. You're just here to get it started, and then I do the rest. Have you listened to the podcast? It's pretty much me yimmering and yammering.

I mean, really, it is, you're really taking the floor here. Yeah, I am. But I appreciate all that stuff. I don't know if it's true or not, but I grounded is a good is an interesting word.

I'll be serious for a second and then we'll go back to my one man show. You are hilariously funny and then very I'm hard pressed to think of anybody who's been less altered by success. You just seem like if all of it went away tomorrow, you'd be very happy and contained doing whatever you're doing. And I love that about you.

I think that second part is correct. I think I feel I am one of these people that feels very fortunate to be working. And but the first part about like having success or whatever, being known that threw me for that really messed me up. Not in a woe is me, but I just no one ever asked me any questions until I was in a movie with a monkey. So I just I found that to be odd. Yeah. That switch. Yeah. And I was older and I think I just, the BS of this, this business or whatever is, it's always been laughable too. I'm from a small town. I have, I think I have a chip on my shoulder when I moved here. And I don't know, I think that's kind of healthy, but I, it affected me for a while and I feel kind of embarrassed by it actually, but yeah.

but I remember at the height of hangover mania um I was went to some event someplace and there were a bunch of it might have been like on Hollywood Boulevard or I had to go into some event and there were all these people outside the venue there was like a spider-man and there was a superman whatever a batman and there was a guy who I thought it was you for a second and I thought oh, there's Zach. I'll say hi. And then I realized it's not you. It's a Zach Galifianakis impersonator with a fake baby and a baby Bjorn. Dreams do come true, don't they? Yeah. From the movie. And it's so, I had a moment.

I like the idea that you thought maybe that was me in the outfit from the movie.

But can I tell you something? I didn't clock the outfit right away. I just saw out of the corner of my eye and by the way you were known to promote that movie very hard but and all the sequels but no I just had a moment of thinking because I know you I know that that would have

bummed you out to your core that would have yeah yeah but what you know what's interesting is as a I wanted to do this experiment once and I had the wardrobe this was many years after we did the hangover movies I had the wardrobe sent to me because I was in Vegas and I wanted it to look like how pathetic it was that the actor got into his outfit and was trying to get recognized. And I did it, but no one came up. It was so embarrassing. No one did it. The experiment failed. But yeah, the the hangover was big. That was a big change. Right. And but I do think it's

good for people to hear from you that because and we talk about this a lot on the pod, but Are you too busy to say podcast? I am. You should do a doc about that. I don't have the tie to do it. I'm fascinated by this idea that there's a lot of envy surrounding this crazy, weird business and people thinking, oh, my God, all your dreams would come true. And what I found is that it's a magnifying lens. It just magnifies things. So if you're insecure, you will become more insecure. If you tend to be angry, you'll become a rageaholic. If you are someone who's capable of feeling gratitude and appreciate the people around you, those things can be enhanced. But I do think there's a, you know.

Maybe so. That's a good way of looking at it. Yeah. But I was angry about it, to be honest. I was intimidated by it because I thought as a comedian to not be able to observe because you had too many distractions of trying to hide or whatever. It intimidated me and I got weirded out by it. But now that I'm old, like none of it matters. And, you know, who cares? But it's it was a change. It was a change.

Yeah, I've always tried to picture because I know that your success didn't happen right away. And I knew you for a bunch of years where you'd come on our show and be really funny. But the whole thing hadn't quite gelled or clicked yet. And then I was this busboy at a strip joint till I was 28. Yes, I was going to get to that.

Yeah, you were, you were, I was, and I try to picture you in these real jobs,

in these, I hope so.

With my briefcase.

Yeah, I do think that's a real job. My canteen. Going to work, honey. No, but I had to wear like a cummerbund. It was like a fancy. And it was a strip joint. Yeah, on Park. You were in New York probably at this time. It was called String Fellows. Yes. So I worked there. I had a table there. Yeah. I never saw you come in, thank goodness. No, I, I was. It was, and the guy that I moved to New York with, who we went to college together, he was the cashier at the strip joint, and he ended up being Jimmy Fallon's head writer. What? 80 miles, if you know 80 miles.

That's where all the best head writers come from.

That's cool.

Isn't that weird? Well, I'm curious because I'm trying to picture you in a situation where you have the comedy mind that you have, but you're doing a job like that. you're uh you know you're working at a strip club we say you were a busboy busboy busboy

ring a cummerbund and it had a crummer do you know what a crummer is no it's a little metal stick that you take out of your pocket and you get the crumbs off the table for uh wilt chamberlain if wilt chamberlain had gone i think it was i think he came in a lot maybe it was another

a seven foot two legend. His name was Wilt Chamberlain and he was seven feet, two inches tall, but it wasn't that Wilt Chamberlain. Yeah. This guy was an accountant. Yeah. And a very good one. So were you funny at that job? And I bring it up because I know that when I did jobs that weren't comedy related early on, I was deadly serious to the point where when they found out later on oh i just got a job writing i'm leaving they said how you there's no way you're a comedy writer because i was just dead serious never made a joke just did my work that makes sense i think it comes with maybe being depressed i don't know what was your situation i uh the

strippers uh were not nice to me at all i was really intimidated the men that went in there were not the men that i would want to hang out with anyway so uh it was a weird situation i don't remember trying to be funny i'm sure with the others with miles that was working there i'll tell the story i think i've told this story hopefully not here before but um it's a fractured media no one's heard it go ahead and no one will uh but miles and i miles and i were getting ready for work there was a snowstorm in new york it was a blizzard i'll never forget and it was in the mid nineties and I'm putting my cumberbund on. Miles had just lost a thousand dollars from the register. It's, it's mafia owned or it was, I think. And, um, so he was so worried. He had to go in and face the music. He'd lost this, lost it. He wouldn't have taken it. He lost it. So I'm putting my cumberbund on. And as I'm looking over, I lived in his closet and I look up and Miles is tying his shoe. And he says to himself, didn't want me to hear it. Knowing he had to go face the music this is worse than bosnia bosnia was going on at the time yeah and that's what he compared and i'll never forget how not wrong he's not wrong that owing string fellows a thousand

dollars is worse than anything that happened in well if you know that the mafia might have

And then what happened, I think what happened, we go to work and the feds came in. They closed it down that day and that was it. A mysterious tipped call came in. Yes, from a busboy.

That's friendship.

Yeah. But no, I was I was very serious at that job, I think. Yeah.

We shot a bit once in Houston at like two in the morning at a strip club. We'll be right back with the world's worst bragger. Yeah. we were there to shoot some piece. And so I'm there. I think we were just trying to figure out because my show in Houston at the time, this is like 1995, 96 aired at like three in the morning. So I went to places at three in the morning to figure out if I could see anybody watching our show and, and who's up and watching TV at three in the morning. And that, it ended up being very funny. I went to a bus station. I went to an emergency room and I went to a strip club and you walk in and you see these beautiful naked women and you know just my my head turned into a jukebox cartoon where all the cherries come up it's like ding ding ding ding ding ding and coins came out my mouth i was like like all the cartoon stuff like steam coming out of ears i can't believe it within 15 minutes we had a problem with the camera and i'm we're trying to figure it out and this completely naked, beautiful woman who would have been my favorite.

fantasy of every way of 16 completely naked not wearing a stitch of clothing comes up and starts to talk to me and i'm like i'm sorry can you just give us some room uh i gotta we we got an issue with this camera and i'm kind of you mean who me and your balls no no me and i am not that polite to my ball to my balls i imagine you were there by yourself and you said can you give us some room Yeah. Pardon me, testicles. No, I have a very different relationship with my testicles. But no, I was remember being kind of irritated, like, can't she step back? We're trying to fix this lens. And I was realizing that, oh, my God, you get inured. You get used to this right away. Like you're in there for 10 minutes and suddenly it's like, come on, naked, gorgeous woman. Can you give me a break? We need to get this shot.

And behind the scenes, there's nothing like the women are talking about how much they hate the men that they have to like they, you know, so it's not it's not thrilling backstage. It's a whole different scene.

So that's where because strippers love me. They just love me. Oh, huh. Yeah. What? I just I think I'm the one guy that when I go into strip club, they're just like, wow, I love him. Conan, when is the last time you've been in a strip club? 1969. Right. I was six years old. Right.

I was conceived at one

we won't go further into that story

you know what I didn't know why did I not know that you were you were at Saturday Night Live you worked at Saturday Night Live for a very that two week don't they do a two week trial thing sometimes

they do

I don't know that's not how I came in but I remember thinking that we were on a two week trial my writing partner Greg Daniels and I thinking it was a two week trial but then later on someone said no you weren't a two-week trial but you were a two-week trial i honestly when i got

there i thought i was i thought i got hired as a cast member honestly because i had auditioned twice right and i was told you're going to go and be a feature person and i said great and i got there and they said no you're actually going to write which either way it didn't matter to me i was just so thrilled that i had that opportunity it was um it was a tough two weeks yeah because the table reads um i think even if you're you know no people there the table reads can be kind of brutal yeah i just remember i wrote a sketch and it was you could only hear the air conditioner in the room yeah i mean i've been like that on stage you know so i'm kind of used to it but there it was just and i remember for some reason i was sitting next to tina fay and i just remember her patting my shoulder in a very calm not even not in a sarcastic way it was really calming and I'll never forget that. It actually meant a lot to me. But it was rough. But I was thrilled to be there. But you don't know what you're doing when you get there, right?

It takes a second to figure it out. And it's not so many shows I've worked on since. And I, you know, obviously loved my time at SNL and was so formative for me. but i've very much liked working in late night all those years because it felt like we were all working together a little more you know there's so much show to fill there's for years it was you know five hours a week you've got to fill there's no elbowing for room or real estate do you know i mean there's just if someone has a good idea everyone's like oh my god that's great let's do But no one's, I don't know, that's a really funny idea, but I'm not going to laugh because, and that's, so SNL definitely much more competitive. I don't know if it's like that as much anymore. Might not be.

Because when I went back to host, I noticed, oh, it seemed much more loose and friendlier. Not that it wasn't friendly in the beginning when I was there for writing, but yeah, it was an honor to do it. I didn't have any bad feelings about it except for, you know, the tumbleweeds going across the writer's room.

Yeah. And that feeling of when you put a sketch in, if it's not working at read-through, you can see everybody flipping to see how many pages this is.

So you'll have that moment. Are you not supposed to do that? I do that all the time at tableware.

I'm always like, do I have any more parts to this? Scanning for my name.

I want to talk about Mother's Day. You came to mind. You're a mom. I'm a mom. I'm the godfather to your two boys. Yep. Maybe the most important adult figure in their lives. Oh, okay. I don't remember there being a godfather's day. Well, it's a good point. There should be, but that's not what I want to talk about. David and I wanted to get you something. And so I thought, hey, you know, we're big fans of Macy's. And Macy's online gift guide has some great ideas. And so I asked David to check that out and come up with some notions for you. Well, that's really nice.

Of course. Thank you, David. And I think you're going to be really happy.

Well, thank you, David. I mean, he did the legwork.

My money. And you're going to be happy because we didn't get you just one thing or two. We got you three things for Mother's Day. This is pretty nice.

Hey, all right. Yeah, I was afraid this would spoil you

getting three things because next year you'll be like, no, I want four.

But anyway, David. All right, if I can have your attention to the screen, the first thing for Mother's Day, we got you a Michael Kors Melita Large Hobo Shoulder Bag. Michael Kors, you know, that's good stuff. Yeah, I like hobo stuff too. I feel like you need a big bag. I do. You have a lot of things to carry.

And also, Sona likes to go to a restaurant and maybe take a few rolls or a dessert and sometimes a salt and pepper shaker. That'll fit nicely into this Michael Kors bag.

Next up, we have the Oracle Jet Automatic Espresso Machine

by Breville.

That is nice.

Breville, a great machine. And look at that thing. It's gorgeous.

You can make any coffee you want.

You're cool with this? Because this is $2,000. He's cool with it. I have the card. He's cool with it. Thank you. Thank you so much.

I didn't know it was that much. but I don't mean to say that much because that's Breville. That's quality stuff.

That is good stuff. I don't even drink coffee, but I just want it.

Well, also, wouldn't that look cool on your counter?

It would. I love it.

And also, doesn't your husband, doesn't Tack drink coffee?

He does, but he doesn't drink like fancy coffee. Until now.

Until now. And the third thing, we got you a Mezzed's 10.1 inch digital calendar and photo frame.

Yeah, he asked me how big should it be. And I said, do they have 10.1 inches? And he said, actually they do.

That's so specific. And now you can sync, Conan's calendar if you want to know what he's up to.

If you want to know what I'm up to, which you don't seem that interested in these days. Not at all. And I still employ you. It's weird.

And I still have access to all that information. I just choose not to look at it.

These are great gifts. These are all for you for Mother's Day.

Well, thank you very much.

Or does she choose one?

No, we said all three.

Thank you, David.

I kind of think next time, I didn't say yes to all three. You didn't give a lot of parameters. I really didn't, but you could use common sense. That's always the best parameter.

Sona means so much to you and it's Mother's Day.

Sona, I want you to have these. Oh, thank you, Conan and David. And a big thanks to Macy's. They've got this great online gift guide. And David, thanks to you for doing what I probably should have done on my own.

Yeah.

But I'm too entitled. Keeps me employed. All right, there you go. Let Macy's be your guide to gifting for Mother's Day. Shop now, online, or in store. You know, there are days that the travel perks that you get with T-Mobile really come in handy. But then there are days that you just want to embrace couch life. And you love you some couch life.

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I have T-Mobile. It's great. And I always like to watch those, I like survival shows and I like to get meat. It's like a steak and then like a survival show. Yeah.

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You're bringing in something that popped in my head, and I don't know if you and I have ever talked about this connection, and maybe he doesn't want us to, but Tommy Blotcher wrote on Conan, right? yeah tommy one of my favorite writers of all time yeah i think he happens to be the funniest person i think i've ever met like he's yeah that

funny and i knew that he left your show to go right on for professional wrestling right yes he worked with us back in the 90s and i knew him through andy richter from chicago from chicago and he brought and for a while tommy didn't say anything and he was super quiet and i just thought well i wonder if this guy's gonna work out i don't know and then um he revealed himself in the writer's room and on paper to be the funniest guy i gave him a shout out on stern once because i was on stern and stern was kind of talking to me about so you must just hire like harvard lampoon guys and i said no it was like a army guy yeah i said one of the funniest guys i've ever one of the funniest writers i've ever known i don't think went to college are you talking about tommy and i was talking about tommy and he said who is that and i said tommy blacha um so he uh

really brilliantly funny guy he his he's on a level that i i mean the same level i would put you on which is this we used to do this bit back and forth to each other where it was just really this just the dumbest person right and because tommy's really good at dumb and and it would be like uh what about drinking coffee or something like it was always the most obvious and it always filled up follow with or something yeah or something so one night tommy's had to spend the night at my house and we were both working together we had to get up early the next morning for work and he's in the next room over and it's seven in the morning i'm up and i'm just kind of basically waking up and i hear tommy say under his breath as he's waking up what am i awake or

something and i fell in love with him i fell in love with him yeah yeah and i used to beg like

he would make me laugh so hard like i didn't want to leave him it was so he he this is one of my

proudest happy moments he for i would do all these riffs in the writer's room that outrageous over the top where i would almost play this over the top host who's incredibly abusive and i would come into a room and someone would start to talk and i would say play yeah but i remember at a time i was on this jag of saying like why don't you have a big tall glass of shut up juice and it was just a really stupid childish put down that i was doing and i would do it whenever someone was taking a swig of something i'd be like a little more just after they had pitched something i'd be like oh a little more shut up juice huh wet the whistle with some and um they tommy left because he was gonna go right for professional wrestling and he told me hey you gotta tune in i wrote this for the rock he's taunting one of his opponents and he tells him why don't you go have a tall glass of shut up juice and i was so thrilled and i watched it and sure enough the rock was like hey i'll tell you something and he's got like maybe you should just go have a long tool glass tall glass of shut up juice and and then they cut you people in the arena and they're like holding their heads like the rock got him and then i think the following week someone had a sign that said shut up juice oh my god and i was in heaven oh that's a payoff no one knew i didn't care if anyone knew that was me or not and then those are the kind of things that make me uh super happy and And so, so, so Tommy, um, yeah, such a funny guy. I'm curious, like you and these other jobs, it's interesting to me that, which I totally understand. You're not being the Zach Galifianakis that people would know you're just grimly doing your job and trying to do it well, which would describe probably you. And I mean, I know that you were a nanny for a while doing, I was a house cleaner, clean

departments in New York for a couple of years. uh yeah I was pretty you know I'm a pretty I'm pretty quiet I think and then the comedy scene kind of maybe broke me out of my shyness I think uh somewhat as I performed more I got a little bit more comfortable with that stuff but uh yeah those jobs will humble you I mean I I moved to New York wanting not my I didn't want my parents to have to like send me anything right and they never did and I was pretty independent but my father he would send me things in the mail I'm I'm like, oh, go run to the mailbox. Oh, God, I hope this is food. I hope this is food. And I'd open it, and it was always irregular underwear. I'd just open it in the post office. It was light. I mean, maybe he was sitting there being potato chips. But it was always irregular underwear.

The second valuable was wrapped in it, you know? I don't know. Irregular underwear. Yeah, it's cheap. My dad was cheap. Cheap. I also think there's something to, I used to think about this a lot. When people get to know me and know my rhythm, this will be a little easier. And I think that would be very true of you. I mean, I always thought you would come on our show back in the day and people didn't know you and you'd sit at a piano and you would tell these great jokes, but you never winked. You never, you know, shot them a look like, you never ingratiated yourself with. the crowd. You just completely went in and they had to accept you as you were. And I think you have to do that for a while in order to have people meet you halfway. I think that's a I think

you're right. I also think if comedically, I should say only I've always thought it's more interesting if you're just doing a stand up bit like that to have kind of a disdain for the audience. You know, I never was like, hi, I'm going to tell us like a friendly. All right, let's tell us i've seen stand-ups come out like what's up miami like that god that's a lot of energy you don't want to know how miami's doing um i mean i have no concern or i respect you i respect the audience but i i i the relation and now performance have a performers have a real relationship with the audience via social media that that too i've never participated in i don't that's a weird i don't know how to do that yeah you have something that i'm not too familiar with

called dignity and so and i could tell you a lot of stories that would go against that um well i mean we've talked about it i won't go into it but i do think that was particularly helpful to you when you did your famous uh between two ferns uh interview with obama because you're the only person that that gave him i mean you know i know that this in any way was just you doing your comedy, but you were so rude as that person. And it's hilarious because I don't think anyone's talked to certainly a sitting president or even in this

time, no one's talked to a president. Well, all the podcasters that have had the president on now, they don't do their court gesture. They don't do it. They just, they suck up to them. Yeah. So the comedians that are podcasters that have had Trump on, they're not doing their job. That's not the job of a comedian. You are to challenge. You are to make uncomfortable. You're not to sit there and fake laugh. That is not the job of the court jester. Yeah. Period. So there is a difference. Actually, somebody yesterday was talking to me about that, about political influence through comedy and all that stuff. I'm more interested in the comedy first. Me too. You know. Yeah, yeah. No, I mean, whatever their motive is, fine. But the comedy has to come first. I remember when I interviewed Hillary Clinton, and I could tell she didn't want to be there. And I totally get that. I get it. But before we had set that whole thing up, they wrote back, well, you can't bring up those emails. And I go, well, we don't have to do the interview. I totally, that's fine. We won't do it. when you tell powerful people no it's crazy they were like okay we'll do it well you can ask because it's not that important to me to do it the way they want to do it you have to if you're

going to come in a comedy you got it way we want to do it also i i see this all the time and i've seen it for years and years and years and years people not understanding that if they go to the supposedly vulnerable place and have a sense of humor about it it is magical for them people see They have a sense of humor. They see that they can take a joke. I mean, no one walked away from your interview with Obama and thought, wow, you really showed him. He got to be hilarious. He sat there and entered your world of, you know, being intentionally ignorant about who he is, what he does, cutting him off, being insanely rude and gave it back to you in equal measure. and you looked at it and you thought, this is a great piece of comedy. And I know it reflects well back on the president. And our current president would do well to understand that, to understand that, you know, if he let himself be the butt of the joke, it's humanizing. I know it is impossible. You wouldn't do it with him. It wouldn't work.

It wouldn't work.

I'm just saying in an alternate universe, if we're talking about a different human being, they would see that there's this misconception that, oh, the media just wants to go after conservatives and they don't understand that everyone benefits when they laugh at themselves. That's right. Period. Yes. Everyone wins. Yes. If you laugh at yourself, it humanizes you and like pheromones are released and humans think that's a good human. Who, and when you refuse to let that happen, that's not projecting strength, that's projecting weakness.

I agree 100%. There's also the math of comedy to me sometimes where the punching down that the right seems to do something, and I don't want to get political here, but that's not as funny to me as taking on the powerful. Like, the math of it doesn't work for me. Like, to take on some marginalized people, make fun of that. Listen, I'm all for humor. I can defend it, but that, mathematically, so that's why you don't see a lot of...

comedy that comes out of like the right. I mean, the right. You just, it's hard to do. I don't, I'm not saying, suggesting you cannot. It's just difficult to do because of the dynamics. Yeah, yeah. Greg Gutfeld.

Oh, hurt.

What a hilarious comedy. You got him. I don't know if he'll show up to work again. I always love imagining these people being completely unhinged by a comment on a podcast or you know someone did a sketch about them on snl and they're just completely

unhinged i'm sure they can no longer go longer that's all for that's all for clicks though

you know what i mean it's it's fake well that's boring the whole the whole everyone commenting on everything outright yeah and everyone has to um wait did sabrina carpenter just slightly misspeak at a performance at Coachella? Or can we make that into something? Yes, we can. And then she'll apologize. And I think she's a fantastic performer. She makes a lot of people happy. I actually don't think she did anything wrong. She couldn't hear what the person in the audience was saying. There was no harm, no foul here, but people got a 24-hour news cycle out of it. And it's just, I mean, it's stupid.

It's strange. You know, the other thought on that, too, is it's interesting. People from the right or whatever you want to say, they're always like, shut up, entertainers. You're just entertainers. And I kind of get that because I'm from the South and, you know, but I always think, yeah, but you guys say that to us entertainers, but you elect the entertainers. Clint Eastwood, Donald Trump, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Fred Thompson, Gopher from The Love Boat. I mean, I could go. Its name is Fred Grandy. I could go on and on. You would know. Sonny Bono. I mean, it goes on and on. Yeah. So it's always interesting to me that they point that out. But then they fall. Then they're the ones that hire or elect the entertainers. Yeah. Yeah. I think even more so than the other side. So I don't know. It's very odd, all of it. But it was a good run.

Oh, no. We're wrapping it up. Are we calling it?

We're calling it. Well, 250 is a good time to call it, you know?

Oh, man.

Oh, yes, 250. I don't feel any—is anybody celebrating? I think they're going—well, there's plans to build giant monuments. I think the Triumphal Arch was going to be for the 250th, I think.

Okay, good.

We just got to get that thing built. This is going to sound controversial, and I don't want to— When Trump did that Jesus thing, that was the turning point for me. I was like, I kind of like him.

Oh, like him? Yeah. Oh, okay.

What do you think? Am I off?

No, I don't think you're off at all. He wasn't Jesus. He was a doctor.

Yeah, his excuse was, I was a doctor who wears a robe and a red sash. And has like a halo over behind it.

He was a red cross worker.

Oh, man. He's a very good nightclub comic. you know what I I was watching your gardening show and I want to mention this because it's called This is a Gardening Show and one of the yeah he was up all night thinking of that title and actually we spent about 400 titles back and

forth oh really between two farms I mean it was like you know all these play on words it was so then the producer emails me and goes, the first thing you say is this is a gardening show. Yeah. Why don't we just call it and say, okay. But yeah, that's how we got to the title.

Well, you know what I love because I've known for years that you hang out on Vancouver Island and then to get to see you in your habitat is very cool. I mean, first of all, it's beautiful. But getting to see you, I knew that you were a very sort of an outdoorsy guy. I didn't know specifically how important gardening was to you. The show is really funny, and you get to be you, obviously, because you are you, and there's no fixing that now. But just getting to see you in that world, I totally get it. You like to get up in the morning and tend to plants.

I love it. It's strange how much. I mean, I've always been a hobby. It's been my hobby, I guess, for 20-plus years. but now that i have some some space i've been building a garden and i just do i mean i have a hundred little pumpkin seedlings in my greenhouse right now that when i get back to to canada i'll put in the ground and that'll probably produce 200 pumpkins for the year i that kind of stuff it's i i can't tell you how much i love it it's

It's a feeling that I feel like as humans, it's part of us, but we got away from it. Because technology and convenience has overtaken everything. We're pushing buttons. It's soulless. There's nothing there for me. And I wanted to do this show for several reasons. One, you know, when you watch documentaries about where we are climate-wise, you hear there's 64 harvests left. okay maybe that's not true but what if it is right what you know this is these are there's a there's these are scientists that are saying this 64 harvests left so people i see some people acting like oh my god what are we going to do what are we going to do and then i see some people don't care so i don't know i'm just going to go with what my gut feeling is which is maybe kids need to know this stuff yeah yeah wait till the russians shoot down the satellites motherfucker it's just a quote from the south i heard recently that i was like yeah i believe you i actually believe that that would i believe and think about that yeah right so all of these i feel like the safety might not be there for the next generation so i'm and this is not an altruistic thing i'm trying to say it's just a practical thing uh our food even if nothing happens even let's say everything stays normal well our food and where we get it and and how what we know about it is um we don't have a relationship with food a lot of us don't right right you think about it birth death

food and where it's coming from we're primal parts of our existence for so long i mean they're just you know printed into our dna as we evolve and then within the last few generations we've completely removed ourselves from it and i'm going to be completely honest with you like i know nothing about gardening i know nothing about where my food comes from i say to david i want to get that and you were like all right and you get it and it comes and i shove it in my face really quickly and with great hate and um but it's the same thing about death like we're not we're not people used to live and die in their home and people used to be there for it and now everything's kind of farmed out so yeah it's but it's a medicine too it's not just

it's just not it's not altruistic you do it for yourself yes absolutely i mean look i'm a little chubby guy but i love eating fresh vegetables and fruits out of the garden it's like it's it's a high for me it just is so there's there's many elements to it but i'm saying it's a medicine to be in the

garden yeah it's healthy to be it's also when you talk about you've spoken about this for a while you mentioned it today the kind of allergic reaction you have to the bullshittery of show business well and and in some of it um there's obviously great parts of it and then there's parts of it which can actually feel like a toxin it's poison and honey yeah i i felt this i got a chance um danny harrison george's son invited me to come see george's home fryer park and i went And so much of it are George Harrison's, were his gardens, where he grew things. And I've seen footage of him in various documentaries, just tending to his gardens and tending to his sunflowers and tending to the things he was growing. And I thought, oh, and, you know, he, Danny said, yeah, he told him once, you know, Danny said, oh, let's go into town. Let's leave Friar Park and go into town. And his father said, why would we do that? Why would we go out there? It's insane out there. if you look at all the footage of his life in the 60s and 70s it was screaming and madness this was the antidote interesting and i think you've experienced being in the nose cone of the rocket and there are people who are making a living pretending to be you hanging outside planet hollywood that you know that's and like we gotta get us to zach galifianakis for the party I got one. I got one, too. Well, bring them both, you know. So you're the it's such a nice antidote to find those places where you can grow apples.

Well, I I also think it's possible in the cities. I mean, when you guys all leave today, I want you to pay attention to how much concrete is around you versus greenery. Just just just think about it. Yeah, it's it's crazy. It's really crazy. I mean, I think humans biggest mistake was fighting nature instead of working with we're going to conquer it. No, no, you're not. No, you're not. It's going to win. And it looks like it's definitely going to win. So you have to respect it and honor it. If there's a God that made all this stuff, why would why not respect it? And the other things that this God has made, that's coming from someone that has no idea if there's a God or not. But if there is, why is it the simplest thing?

to respect the earth and the humans and the animals on it. Other than that, what is there? I mean, this, where humans are going with AI. I mean, I guess, I don't know if I'm old fashioned or maybe it's because I'm 56 now, but I think this whole AI thing, and I don't mean for medicine, I don't, it's got a lot of great things. Otherwise though, I think it's another like biblical, in the biblical term, biting the apple again. I just am very afraid of it. Yeah. the dudes that are designing it yeah there's a real problem because these dudes how do i say it they have math minds suck they have math minds you know what i mean they have math minds and that's good but there's very little wisdom coming out of that pocket of the world almost none yeah and we're just running all of us are running in that direction the media the media loves ai The media loves social media because it causes more of this. Yeah. I love when CNN, they'll have a reporter on going, they'll do a report on social media and how bad it is for someone. And then after the report, Jake Tapper gets on and go, follow me on Twitter. It's asinine. Have you no self-reflection? Well, even how we communicate through text, there's not a sarcastic font, right? And people are not good enough writers to do it through text. as a comedian to get back lol is really diminishing returns yeah i so i think the way we have let robots do this for us has also made us a little bit off yeah i just do um i worry about the lack of human connection with that stuff and maybe i'm maybe it just is not as needed as we think it is i i don't know i mean i really don't know but this world this tech stuff um has always i've always thought about i've always worried about it especially when social media came about and myspace and all this when it was done you could do it anonymously that's a weird start for anything so the weirdos running this thing and good weirdos i don't mean they're all bad weirdos we need to something something there needs to be a guardrail and i think politically nothing changes in the states until they regulate the internet yeah i do think not so we can sit here and talk okay good luck it can work for both sides right it just depends on who's going to control it the messaging but you're i see how people scroll on planes i'm like that's how

people get their new we're screwed yeah i do think that if you look at the history of huge technological advances, including like the printing press, you know, uh, and how that revolutionized things in the early days, it's rough going, uh, when people are handed a brand new superpower and we are at the beginning of this. And I do think if we survive it, there will be guardrails. There will be people that say, Oh no, you can't have a kid. Can't have a tablet. We've figured it out. They can't have it till they're 14. Um, and that's a law, you know or you can't it's like how a city like a city can be built and there's like

crap in the streets the sewage is all wrong and then as it ages they fix the problem we're at the

okay corral phase where drunks are punching each other through the swinging doors of the bar and landing in the mud people are shooting their guns in the air going neehaw that's where we are but

you think it's going to need a regulation to get to there do you think the government yeah yeah i

I think it's, and I think it's going to, but you know what it does? It comes through just this hard experience and, and humans do, if they put their hand on the stove enough times, they learn not, we need a rule about putting our hands on the stove.

I hope you're right. There's an addiction. I am right. There's an addiction. There's an addiction thing here too, that we have it. That's the other thing is the addiction part. And that addiction is designed. Listen, you read the, read the, have you read the Facebook whistleblower book? No. you need her it's unreal i read it twice it's fascinating so they know that they're making it addictive so that's the problem yeah i think maybe with the comparing it to the old technology right sure you're right i think the printing press of course it it changed the world all technology is what changes humans the most political correctness for example has always been in comedy for the last 30 it just has the difference is the technology the audience talks back now and comedians you got to be okay with it that's the only thing that's changed not not political correct that did not for sure it happened many many years ago but what really changed is if someone comes and sees you live and they don't like it and you've said something they're going to either videotape it or get it so it's weird it's all very strange yeah But then I see people on their computers all the time, and they never do anything else. And my mind goes, well, when the end of the world comes, they're the veal. Well, you know what?

It's soft. Soft meat. It's a soft meat. So we might need them. No. All the veals up in Silicon Valley. We're coming to eat you, boys. Wait a minute. The way you describe it, we're going to eat very well. I mean, I want this to happen sooner rather than later. Just you and I.

But also, we're humans. We're animals, right? Like, we need to move and think and talk and blah, blah, blah. This is, it's too much. Yeah. It's making people nuts. It just is. I think it's making people mentally. I do. I think it's making people mental. Oh, 100%.

I do. I mean, I do things now where I, like, brick my phone. Well, the rest of it is a device called the brick where you can turn off a bunch of apps so that in order to go turn them back on. It's called The Brick, but you, and I use that all the time now.

Do you have an email on your phone?

I do. Take it off. It's too late. Oh.

No, you can take it off. No. I never, I can't imagine having an email on my phone. It's so, like, that's asinine to me.

What about, and you're including text, too. No text. If I knew how to get rid of text, I would. I don't know how to get rid of it.

We're in a time of overcommunication, right? So, my brother. He says on a podcast. My brother, well, exactly. But my brother's, like, texting me over Christmas. He's got those paper towels you asked for. I don't need you to text me that you got them. I don't need that update.

It's insanity. You know, I have nasty too, is that someone will text you like, how's it going? And if you don't text them, it's the person who maybe 20 minutes went by and they're like, what the fuck? You alive? Like I was, it was three in the morning. What's going on? Because they're so used to getting an immediate dopamine hit that they forget they're talking to someone who isn't walking around looking at their phone all the time i see so i get a lot of my texts are did you die or something and it's like well no i mean i see teenagers on planes

and the mental illness that they're doing with their faces like changing it at first three hours staring at a phone yeah uh you know you're supposed to be bored you're supposed to be

it's good for the brain well it's actually and really good i remember saying this when my kids were a little we got to keep the boring parts because i remember when i was i would get so bored when i was a kid and that's when my you know we weren't allowed to watch tv if there was school the next day um which meant most of the week we had none of this technology and that's when my mind started to do weird things um and that's how i make my living now so you gotta god i thought this was going to turn into a masturbation story.

I think we all did.

That's what it... I just took the air out of the room. The story's not done. That's what I was... You cut me off. You're right. I wish somebody had.

Yeah.

That is what I was getting to. My mind started doing weird. Yeah. And my hand. Yeah. And then I said, and that's how I make my living. And then I became a writer. I became a professional masturbator at the circus um

what is it

yeah would you say to me no nothing did you just accuse me of murder no no I was going to say is there a comp is there I don't know never mind I don't want it to be in the

is there a masturbator at the circus no is there

is there masturbation competitions

I bet there is

I hope so

Eduardo

I bet there is

I'm not looking this one up

no he just meant Eduardo he didn't even know Oh, you had a computer.

What's going on this weekend in the Valley?

Let's just say Eduardo is very skilled. It is so lovely to talk to you and you really are a remarkable individual. I wish we could all be more like you. And I really mean that.

So you got my text?

I just read exactly what you wrote.

Thank you very much. I read exactly what you texted me.

Thank you for putting that in there. And a great lover. what the fuck is this? You misspelled lover. Yeah, two Vs always. I love, I've been, I checked out, this is a gardening show. I really like it. I especially love when you incorporate kids in it and you're talking to them. It's the easiest thing. I know, but you're so funny doing it. So fun to do. And also you're in a series, The Audacity, which is getting raves. So congrats to you. That's on AMC. And you, I mean, anytime you're in town, you want to come by and talk to us about anything tomorrow's not good for me okay the next day no i'm here saturday starting in six years from now okay that's what i meant did you end up going to greece for your no we haven't gone to greece yet for the travel show but i do want to go there

It's the best. Would you go with me if I went?

I would love to go. But I might take my gardening show there next time. But if you do go, please call me because I can point you in. I have first cousins that are still there, so I can point. They can help you.

You should check out the Parthenon. Thanks a lot.

No, they were going to take you to the hard rock in Athens.

And I just blew it. I hope there's not a hard rock cafe in Athens.

You know there is. They're better. I don't think. No, the Greeks has to be. The Greeks are not, they're not, they're not capitalists that way. Good. They're not. Good. They actually, during the European Union, they got really, they got really hurt. Yeah. Yeah. By Northern Europe.

I've never been to Greece in my life and I would love to go there. It's the best. They know how to live. They know how to live. And so do you. That's right. And so do you. Zach Galifianakis, thank you for being here. I treasure you. I really do. Those aren't cheap. Could you put it back? No, I'll put, there's a. So you just grabbed one of our.

By the way, I was asking the Kleenex.

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Oh, my God.

Let's revisit this topic, okay?

Ugh, okay.

Sona, you know I love you. I adore you. You're the best. but you're you're just this bloodsucker oh my god draining me dry you are awful you're awful

you're awful are we getting content or not we are but you know what every clueless gamer do

you take that game home with you oh uh i would say no actually only like half the time yeah

85 85 of the time when you do a clueless gamer for a cool game you get the game how is he a Because you get some benefit out of it that's not direct. That's what I'm saying. We all get a lot of fun stuff from this job.

All I'm going to say is he does a lot of favors for you, but you do the greatest. But you, but you, but you, but you do the greatest favor for him. You make him cool.

Oh.

That's the greatest favor you're doing for him. I don't know.

Am I doing that? You do. You do. Yeah.

I think, no, people do get excited. You're a cool person. And you, you know, me, yes. I guess I'm cool in that I pop a leave every now and then I always drink a lot of water with it you gotta make sure you flush out the system and that's a recommendation that's on the bottle

Oh, wow. No, but I mean, between my Aleve use and your coolness factor, I think we make a good duo.

I don't think they're favors. I think you are paying me back.

What? Oh.

Yeah. For all the things I've done for you.

So that means I don't have to pay you financially.

No, you should still do that. Okay. But I also, I don't know, for something. You know what?

I don't resent these favors for you. I like doing it. And I will say, look, I needed a segment, so I came out swinging. Yes. And it worked because you got really mad. And also, is there some truth in it? Probably. Because in most of my bits, there's a little bit of truth.

This is my nightmare.

And I do a lot of favors for people. You do. We have to do a favor for Sona today, for instance, at the end of this bit. Oh, is that true? Yeah. What's happening today? We have to. I don't want to run it out. No, no, we get to. That's right. We get to do a favor for Sona today. You know that I like doing things for the Armenian community. You know I like doing that.

They're the ones. You took me to Armenia in 2015. I tried to leave you there.

You know, that was the plan. The plan was to leave you there. And then I was like, shut the door, shut the door. And the pilot didn't shut the door fast enough. And you squirted into the plane. And you were like, we're getting back. But the plan was to leave you there.

Well, thank you for doing that. But you shone a light on my beautiful homeland. And since then, you've been kind of an honorary Armenian. They're very excited.

You know what? I will say, Armenian people are always very happy to see me. Yes. And they say, and I say, and then they say, love them and we have like a nice thing going. Yeah. So that's always nice. Yeah. I meet a lot of them in steam rooms. I don't know what that's all about. Several times I've been in a sauna or a steam room and the naked men in there have been Armenian and we have a nice chat about Armenia.

Oh, that's nice. Yeah, that's a nice. See, that's the thing. If you hadn't taken me to Armenia, I don't think you would have been getting as many asks. And I filter a lot. But there are some that

I and we're doing one today, which is important today. And it's because it's an important event. What is it?

It's the Armenian Heritage Walk Gala in Philadelphia, and I'm emceeing it.

How do you emcee a gala? Oh, you're going to...

I'm going to Philadelphia.

Oh, I see. There's a benefit, and you're going to be up there saying, all right, our next auction item or that kind of thing?

No, no. It's going to be like honoring people who help them do it. It's this permanent installation by the Philadelphia Museum of Art.

Do you have jokes written?

I'm not you. I don't...

Well, we know that, but I mean, what about...

The bar is really low for me.

No, but you've got to have some material. You can't, you can't emcee a gala and not have material.

That's true.

What kind of jokes do they like?

I haven't, I haven't written anything yet.

When is it? Soon, right?

It's like really soon.

Okay. You have to write material. Maybe I would help you. Another favor, but let's.

You can't offer to do something and then say you're doing me a favor.

I can say yes to things and then resent them because that is my true hobby. I say yes to stuff and then I resent it. You know, we got to think of some jokes, you know, about.

I have some.

like what about pomegranates and what is it about i don't want to tell you i'm nervous let's hear it

i think well um one of the honorees no this is stupid i can't come on yes no we know we have to now this is a judgment-free zone we have to one of one of the honorees is an armenian man who's an astronaut he's and so i'm gonna say you know within the last six months we've had one of the greatest moments in space when katie perry went up for 10 minutes it's a misdirect that's a good joke it's a misdirect that's a good joke everyone's gonna think i'm talking about are you explaining to me how a misdirect works yes this is what comedy is conan o'brien no but you know what

i think that's a funny joke okay you know what's another good joke ian is added to every armenian name right yeah so you could say uh there's some other great uh uh celebrities who are armenian Katy Perry-ian you know Tom Cruise-ian John Travolta-ian you know what I mean I mean this is a good Sabrina Carpenter-ian I mean you know you could go into that whole thing and you could list a whole bunch of celebrities' real names before they shorten them you know what I'm saying

Conan O'Brien-ian

not so good

it didn't roll off the tongue And also, there's already a lot going on with your last name.

And you do jokes about some of the other, the true famous, like Dr. Kevorkian, who's Armenian.

Well, there's six honorees, so I'm coming up with bits for each one.

Hey, I'm going to kill it at this Armenian gala even more than your previous host, Dr. Kevorkian.

Oh, God. Right? Oh, God. Yeah. Phone in.

That's a good joke. He killed people.

I know. Okay, I know.

Yeah, he's the pride of the Armenian people. Don't say that. Did he drive around in a van and do it? I forget how he did it.

You know what? Nowadays, euthanasia is not looked at as poorly as it was before. He was a pioneer.

Well, his name was Dr. Death, and he drove around in a van. But yeah, you're right.

He was a pioneer.

No, ending people's lives is all cool now.

They wanted to end them. Weren't they all terminally ill?

All right, you're taking it.

down a dark road i'm gonna kill it up here i'm gonna be armenian host who kills it the fastest since dr kevorkian that's funny that's a good joke and then you say by the way other uh you know famous and then it's dr perry you know what i mean you know the singer sia sia sian there's a good one i mean we're coming up with good material right here you're gonna kill at this thing i know i could come out as a character what yes i could be a character i could come out like as an old Armenian lady and then, you know, and I do a character.

That won't be offensive at all. No, it's not going to be at all. Can I hear your old Armenian lady? Oh, hello.

It's nice to be here. I dried the apricots and flattened them and now we're eating them. I knew it was going to be a dry fruit thing. No, but whatever. And it would kill. Yeah. And guess what? I'm going to fly out. I'm going to write this material and I'm going to do this on the gala and then I'm really going to resent you. I know you are. Those who are given much are expected to give much. Oh, God. And it's clear that I've been gifted with some divine powers. And so I must spend my time on this earth doing favors for Sonam of Sessian. I think that's the rule here. But, you know, I love you. You know, I care about you.

Do you?

As a bit, I do.

Oh, that's nice. Well, thank you. I love you, too, as a bit.

Love you as a bit. Bye.

Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend. With Conan O'Brien, Sonam of Sessian, and Matt Gorley. Produced by me, Matt Gourley Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao Theme song by The White Stripes Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino Take it away, Jimmy Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair And our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns Additional production support by Mars Melnick Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Britt Kahn You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode. Got a question for Conan? Call the Team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. You can also get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

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